The Handmade Dress

What you are about to read is a message from a hurting mama and my reply. My reply is basically my testimony written out. This sweet mama allowed me to share this here in hopes that it could help one of you. If it does encourage you please let her know, and if you have any encouraging words of your own, or a testimony to add please do.   ************************ Sam, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but I feel like you'll understand. How do you remain trusting of God when it feels like He's turned His back on you? We've been trying to create a new life for 4.5 years now, and had our first pregnancy in that time last September. Unfortunately He took that one, and then last month took our second pregnancy. I feel so angry and bitter toward him, and I've lost all desire to pray or read my Bible. Part of me wants to believe that He loves me, but then there's a huge part of me that thinks "love doesn't treat you this way". I know...

Today I'm going to tell you a story. It may be rather long by the time I'm done (grab a cup of coffee), and maybe even a bit heavy for some, but it's a story I must tell. First I'll tell you why, after five years of blogging here, I just now wanted to tell this. To be honest I didn't really remember it, well not in the way I remember it now, until very recently. A few weeks ago I began to put together a plan/program to help children going into foster care -I'll tell you all about that later when I have it all settled exactly what we will be doing. I had been praying about how I would present this to our church and possibly other churches to get help and support. I began to ask myself why in the world I would even consider talking to a group of people about this when I can't even talk to a stranger one on one without turning blood red. Why, I, the shyest person in America, would consider for one SECOND being the front-man for ANYTHING? Then I realized, it ...

Last Monday, at the doctors office, I was sitting there thinking....that Ben and I are so blessed. Most people know exactly who they are going to see when they get to Heaven, but not us, we get our own little welcome committee made up of children that we have never met! When we get to Heaven we will have a little crowd waiting for us! In my heart I feel like I will know them as soon as I see them, that their names will come to mind immediately when I see each precious face! Over the years I have learned to "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials" (James 1:2) I know that holding a perfect little MIRACLE named Claire helps, but it feels good to be in this place, finally . It feels good to not be angry. It feels good to know that the family that I have is EXACTLY the family that God meant for me to have....Yes, it hurts too , but mostly I'm thankful....we have so much to be thankful for! I couldn't let one little soul go without men...

Tonight I was up, not able to sleep, and for some reason I started reading the se posts ...of all of our lost babies....they were so painful to read... but then I heard my sweet babe breathing in the next room, her breath heavy with sleep, and all I could do was thank my Father...for my little miracle....then I thought of my sweet adopted babies that I have been waiting on...and for the first time in weeks I felt at peace. Peace. He knows. He knows....It will all be fine. One sweet day we will all be together, and I will tell my sweets the story of how God knit our family together...piece by perfect piece....One Sweet Day.....

That's kinda what this post is about...the closing of doors and then the opening of windows... As you all know we had another "door" slammed shut (that's how it felt......like I was sitting there peaceful reading a book in the quiet and then I was startled by a slamming door) in November . I have to admit, I have not been as open this time as I have been in the past, not with anyone, even myself. It feels like my heart has been scarred and now it's harder to get things "in" or "out" than ever. I hope this doesn't disappoint anyone, but I haven't wanted to talk about it at all, I have distanced myself from that pain that seems to come over and over because I'm tired of feeling it all the time. My survival tactics have changed from "say what you feel and get it all out" to "just try not to think about it and maybe it will all go away". I don't really know if it's wrong or right, it's just the way that...

Have you ever had one of those bad dreams that keep coming back over and over? That's what I have felt like I was living in for the last two weeks, and I couldn't escape. I rarely get depressed but when I do I find it very hard to feel normal for a while, I either cry at everything or don't feel any emotion at all...but now I feel like myself again...ahhh! This song came to mind today while I was thinking about how good it felt to feel good again (physically and mentally). I love this song! Today we went for a walk in the "forest". How could I be depressed for long with such nice weather, pretty trails in my favorite season of the year, and these three little faces? While we were walking today I was reminded of this post of our daily walk . Where did the time go? Wasn't that just yesterday? It's so hard to believe how fast my babies are growing. I took so many sweet pictures of them today (big surprise huh?). I did my best to get pictures ...

...here in my nest. After the last post, about crocheting to keep my hands busy, I just kept on going... For days that's all I did. I just sat here in my nest and followed the patterns in this book (ISBN 4-391-62017-0). I didn't stray from the patterns at all like I usually tend to do...I didn't want to think about it that much...I just wanted something to do to ease the pain. So here I sit, 11 doilies, 2 four leaf clovers, a basket liner, and two pin cushions later.... and feeling just a little bit better. I've been so depressed and discouraged this week, but I feel myself slowly moving out of it....one stitch at a time... Eventually I did make these pin cushions by just using the center of the doily pattern, not much imagination needed there, but it is an improvement. I hope I will be back to my old self soon, with more good days than bad days, until then I'll be here in my nest....stitching, praying, healing, and holding my sweet babi...

I've went back to my first love, crochet, to keep my hands busy through these hard days. There is something so healing in that quiet rhythm. I'm not sure what I will do with these yet, maybe frame them, I don't know.... What's important now is that I just keep going. One stitch at a time... ...then I'll be alright soon, I know I will...I wonder how many women before me have used a form of hand stitching to heal a broken heart....

...my arms won't be able to hold all of the angels waiting for me there! Oh what a happy day it will be when I get to meet all of those babies that I mourn for now. God has taken another baby to be with Him. I will go in for surgery in the morning. Please pray for us tomorrow....

I have been planning this post for weeks now, thinking about how much fun it was going to be.....I was going to show you my first ultrasound picture from yesterday and tell you how excited and grateful we are to be expecting another little angel, but this little one is already in trouble. We need prayer and a miracle. The doctor didn't see everything he needed to see on the ultrasound and the outcome doesn't look good. He said "the odds are stacked against us and statistically it doesn't look good" but he also said "I'm not ready to throw in the towel" and "We know God can change things".... I am so heartbroken today. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound on Tuesday, if they find what they want to see we will move on cautiously but if they don't see a change I will be scheduled for a D&C on Wednesday. I have so many different emotions pulsing through me this morning. My heart is not at peace, I'm still struggling to find wh...

I wrote this post one year ago today. I didn't expect it to hurt this bad still. I've done well most of the day but I lost it this evening. It's such a deep ache....The last couple of months have been made easier by the hope brought through our adoption...but just like the Bible story , I miss the lost lambs..... one can't replace another, every little lamb is special. I will leave the giveaway open until tomorrow, I need some rest tonight. Thanks for "listening" friends... xoxox, Sam

Today my sweet baby is due to be born. I'm sad. There is something so final about this day... like the end of a season, or a cycle. The thought of my baby being here now is bittersweet. Today I thought about how I would have an almost 2 year old and a newborn .....but they are not here, and I miss them deeply. My precious children.... I've been trying to keep busy, there are so many new and exciting things going on right now.... but I just can't make myself feel it. I found these pictures of my baby today and I wanted to share them with you. Oh this baby brought so much hope and joy! I remember thinking I would never carry another baby just days before I found out I was pregnant. I am so happy that I was able to carry this sweet angel .....even knowing now how it would end, I would do it all again. I know God has a plan...and I do trust him, but today is hard. Really hard. I'm going to take a few days off. I'll be back soon.

but my heart won't stop aching long enough for me to put all of these sad/lonely/painful feelings into words.... Maybe it will come to me later. I have been trying to write for two hours and I don't think it's going to happen tonight. The simple version is this: I have been feeling like someone is stabbing me in the heart for the last two days. I miss my baby. I miss having a baby. And I wonder if I will feel this way for the rest of my life. I hate this. HATE it.

My heart is so heavy today. This was the message I found on her blog yesterday: . "On Friday we learned that Olivia's heart was no longer beating. We had to wait nearly 36 hours for a hospital bed to become available for Alyssa to deliver her. Early Sunday morning Olivia's body came into this world, her spirit already with the Lord." . Please keep them in your prayers.

My sweet friend Autum has just been told that her unborn grandchild has a condition that only gives her a 5% chance of living once she is born. Her daughter Allyssa is 18 weeks pregnant and in so much pain right now. Just a few days ago we were praying for Stef's sweet baby boy and they found out Friday that everything was just fine. I know that God is still in the "miracle making business"! Friends let's pray for a miracle! Let's also pray that God will comfort their sweet family during this very stressful time. Thank you all so much for always responding to my requests for prayer...it means so much to me that we can share one another's burdens in times of need. I love you all ~ Samantha.

Thanks for being patient with me on this one, I'm still trying to get my groove back. HERE is your "Gracie Purse Applique" free download- by the way all the patterns on that page are free help yourself! You can read more about this little outfit HERE on a previous post, I hope you all enjoy this one. Please add your finished products from The Handmade Dress patterns to our new flickr group, and if you haven't already been over for a visit, go! (There is a link in the side bar) These people will blow you away!! You are sure to find lots of sewing goodness there! I love going over to peek at the new pictures, there is also a way to comment on each photo. Fun stuff! Now a little update on me to answer some of the emails and comments I have had lately. I still have bad days. It has been 5 weeks ago today since I found out my sweet baby passed away and it still hurts almost as bad as the day I found out. I think I am surprised at the pain....how long it has lasted wit...

My friend Stef is having a hard time right now. I don't know what is going on except that she has received some distressing news about her baby (She is almost 23 weeks pregnant) and it could turn out bad. Friends, please lift her up in prayers today. My feelings on this subject are still so frazzled and raw because of what we have been through in the last month, this has just upset me so much. I am praying that everything about that sweet baby will be perfect. Stef we love you...

For eight years I have been learning to be the help meet to an amazing man. Monday was our anniversary and we left the kids with the fam at the beach house and went off for the day, it was wonderful! We had so much fun! We had lunch, went fabric shopping, had dessert at Starbucks (where we fed little birds part of our blueberry scone), went shoe shopping, and then had dinner at a really good seafood restaurant....it was lovely. I wanted to say something really pretty and profound about our life together but I just couldn't find those kinds of words. We still have so much fun together, I still get giddy when he calls and says he's on his way home, he still kisses me for no reason at all, I love the way he smells when he's been working hard all day, it's not fancy......but it's all I've ever wanted, and it's exactly what makes me happy. It took me a couple of years in the beginning to learn how to be his wife, but even that was fun! I love being his help...

We are having a wonderful time even though I was up until 5 am having a good cry (Ben said it was my pressure valve). I feel much better and now I'm going to get a nap. Beach volley ball is awesome and I am #1 at trash talk -not trash as in ugly words, trash talk as in "Come on let's see if you can make it over the net this time princess!" that kind. The kids are having the time of their life! I went to the doctor Wednesday before we left and I didn't really get any good news, all of my "options" are pretty much scary. I had a few tests done that I will know about on Monday and I'm too scared to call! Mary has a really good post on her blog today (about choosing fabrics!) and everyone needs to see it!

Hey friends, it turnes out we do have Internet here! I had a doctors appointment yesterday morning before we left so we got a late start, getting on the road around lunch, ugh. We arrived at the house around 5 or 6 pm so I didn't really take and pictures