Monday, December 15, 2008

I was going to tell you how I feel ....

but my heart won't stop aching long enough for me to put all of these sad/lonely/painful feelings into words.... Maybe it will come to me later. I have been trying to write for two hours and I don't think it's going to happen tonight. The simple version is this: I have been feeling like someone is stabbing me in the heart for the last two days. I miss my baby. I miss having a baby. And I wonder if I will feel this way for the rest of my life. I hate this. HATE it.

27 comments:

Jean said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know what it's like. Not many words here, but it did get better after a while.

LeAnn said...

I'm so sorry. I felt the same way after my miscarriage. Time does heal your heart and make the pain tolerable. Try to keep busy and spend time with your kids. That will help you more than anything else.

You are in my prayers.

Joy said...

Huge (((((hugs))))) dearest...you know I understand.

DangitAnge said...

I'm so sorry Samantha! (((HUGS))) for you!

Autum said...

Sweet Samantha, I'm so, so, sorry you are hurting. All the {{{hugs}}} and kind words won't take that hurt away, but maybe they will let you know you are loved and understood. The hurt will come in waves, knocking you off your feet at times, taking you off guard, but as time passes, those waves will become more gentle. Take care sweetie, know you are being thought of and prayed for.

Artsy Momma said...

Autum said it best, those waves of pain no matter how much time passes can catch us off guard and knock us down.

I cant ease the pain but I can always be here to help you get up and battle the next wave.

The pain never ends but it does get a little bit duller and easier to handle.

My love and thoughts are with you. ((Hugs))

heartathome said...

Samantha, I can't offer an "I understand" like some of the others can. All I can offer is my care and concern and my prayers. The loss of your baby is so very significant and your grief so very valid. I am praying for you; I really am.

Carol @ Rose Cottage said...

Dear Samantha.
My heart aches for you. I have never lost a child but in losing my parents at 80 and 88, both who had lived long wonderful lives and then losing my brother to suicide, I have learned that I may not get over it, but, by stepping out in faith, I can get on with it. God is Good. You are in my prayers.
Love, Carol

Tiny House said...

I'm so sorry! I too, unfortunately, understand what you're going through. It's so hard. I'll be thinking of you this holiday season.

tara said...

Oh Samantha. My eyes welled up reading your little post. My heart aches for you. I wished you lived by me so I could do something for you. Hug you, do your laundry, bake for you, sew something. Anything silly for you. You are such a dear person and I pray that your aching is eased by the love of your family and friends.
You can always lean on your bloggy friends. We are here for you.

Charree said...

I will be praying for God to give you peace of mind and heart.

wondermommy said...

*big hugs* I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. You are in my prayers.

lissilulu said...

so sorry you are feeling this way...i still wonder when my aching will go away from this stupid divorce.

emotional pain is so unpredictable...

praying now for you
Lori

Melinda said...

Samantha,
Its times like this when our faith is tested, but don't ever think for a moment that God is not there. A few years ago my little daughter(Emma)was in a car wreck with my husband. My husband was fine, but my Emma died instantly.
I had never been more bitter in my life. I was angry at myself, my husband, and God. I hated everyone and would take no comfort. But a little while after that someone shared with me a verse that helped me.

Psalm 30:5
For his anger endureth but a moment.In his favour is life:
weeping may endure for a night,
but joy cometh in the morning.

I said this every day for six months. Each it gave more & more comfort. All I can say is that I know how you feel, and that God is holding your baby with love in his arms. Just as he's holding mine.....

Melinda Gates

Graham Shenanigans said...

Oh I am sooooooo sorry!!! I will be praying for you!!

Reformed Grits said...

I'm so so sorry and I'm sorry too that I understand how you feel. Christmas STINKS when there were hopes and dreams that won't be around your tree. It's been 3 years now for me and I still get weepy and miserable when I hang his stocking that will never get filled or hang his ornaments that he never enjoyed. I enjoy Christmas for my kids and with them, but my table is missing a spot as is my heart. Your baby (and mine) are WORTH missing because they are of infinite value not only to us but to the Lord. The pain does help us remember. We will see them again.
Praying for you, I really am.
Kim

Marlya said...

Dear Samantha-- I have been thinking about you since you lost this little baby- I know you have been hurting. I will keep thinking and praying for you. Hugs!!!!!!

Ahavah said...

sweet one - I share your pain and grieve with you. I too have lost three babies. And my first born, Robert died on the 16 December 1980. He was 10 weeks old.

I wish I had discovered the Mikveh Project then.

www.mikvahproject.com

Melody said...

I'm so sorry! I just lost a little one a month ago, so I totally understand. I'm missing my sweet baby today too.

{{{hugs}}}

michelle p. from wa said...

Trust! Sounds so easy until it is all you have left! Trust God, He is faithful, pour out your heart to Him and He WILL respond to you so tenderly! Ask Him for the peace that only He can give, look to Him for the answers your heart aches for, and trust Him! I understand your loss and He can and will heal your heart. Someday this experience will allow you to share His love with someone you meet along your journey. Trust Him. He loves you!

KarenH said...

{{{{Sweet Samantha}}}} I am so sorry!!!

I know from experience that grief can blindside you and knock you off your feet. I pray today that the pain in your heart is not as sharp. {{{Hugs again!}}}

jenn said...

I am so sorry still for your loss. I don't have the words either, but I will say a prayer.

jenn

seemommysew said...

I'm so sorry, mama! I haven't been where you are, but I feel the pain in your words and my heart aches for you. I will be praying for you.

Olivia Craig said...

I can only try to imagine what you are going through. Hang in there and give extra hugs and kisses to your other "babies." I know nothing makes me feel as good and safe and contented as having my kids in my arms. ((((Hugs))))

Familia Stilwell said...

Oh, Honey, I'm praying for you. I know you are hurting, but God wants to be your refuge in the midst of the pain. Cling to Him and He will get you through this. Love ya.

Psalm 73:25-26, 28: Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,that I may tell of all your works.

HeatherSue said...

I just stumbled upon your blog while looking for a dress pattern. I read your latest installment with tears rolling down my face. I am so sorry to hear about your baby.

I just want you to know that this stranger is praying for you. I hope your pain will ease a little more with every day.

When you are ready, it may help to write about your experience. I lost my baby almost 7 years ago and it really helped me to create a website in his memory and share the story of his short life. It still hurts, but gets a little better every day. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

Samantha - I woke up this morning thinking about you so MUST write! Our hearts and minds and souls belong to God but our feet are still tied to this good Earth! and just like the old hymn says - to everything there is a season, this is our Advent season when we are preparing for the Birth of Christ and it's also the season when you would've been preparing to give birth and you are tied by nature to that cycle. I thought of this when I read your previous blog about your chair-nest. Even tho the cycle has been interrupted it's just nature to continue it, the instinct is so strong that even animals do it, even when their own cycle has been interrupted.

As the other girls have said - time will dull the pain and time will make the waves come less frequently and with less force but I can tell you that even as an old lady the pain still comes, the tears still flow.

Try to get outside to play in the sunshine with the kiddos as much as you can! Maybe you can use this solstice time of year as a science class for them - my kids are all grown but they still remember the things I taught them including marking where the sun hit at 7AM every Friday! LOL!! My son was 5 and the girls younger when we started doing this and it sparked a lifelong interest in astronomy for him.

That's all I can say - I know no words will help but maybe knowing there are so many people praying for you will.
from Sparkle