Tuesday, January 5, 2010

They say "He never closes a door without opening a window"....

That's kinda what this post is about...the closing of doors and then the opening of windows...

As you all know we had another "door" slammed shut (that's how it felt......like I was sitting there peaceful reading a book in the quiet and then I was startled by a slamming door) in November. I have to admit, I have not been as open this time as I have been in the past, not with anyone, even myself. It feels like my heart has been scarred and now it's harder to get things "in" or "out" than ever. I hope this doesn't disappoint anyone, but I haven't wanted to talk about it at all, I have distanced myself from that pain that seems to come over and over because I'm tired of feeling it all the time. My survival tactics have changed from "say what you feel and get it all out" to "just try not to think about it and maybe it will all go away". I don't really know if it's wrong or right, it's just the way that I'm able to cope, but I have felt guilty about it.....because I know that my family and friends have wondered what in the world is going on, and I know that other hurting mama's have been comforted by my openness in the past. On top of it all we were at a dead end with our adoption, we didn't have enough money to go to the next level and it didn't look like there was any way to make the money either...I was just so discouraged at every turn. I started questioning God... "Why do you even give me children just to take them away? And why would you lay these future children on our hearts if we have no money to get them home?".....

The window starts to open:

While I was still in the miscarriage fog God sent Georgeann to help. Georgeann, is a friend of Ben's who works for the same city where he is a firefighter, and she wanted to help us by raising money. I have only met her once in passing at our last show, but I was so touched by her generosity. She hand painted picture frames and sold them at a holiday craft show to help us! With the money she raised we were able to get to the next step in our homestudy.

Then there was another dead end, we thought of how we could cut corners here at home (that's when the laundry soap discovery was made), how Ben could work extra when there was extra work (there's not much of that these days), we thought and thought, but nothing. In fact it seemed like we weren't getting ahead at all!

On the Sunday after Christmas our pastor asked one of our Elders, David, to come forward and take prayer requests. We were going to pray, as a church, for everyone mentioned. David stood at the front and took requests from person after person, even the sweet children....I thought about asking for God to provide the money we needed for the adoption, but then I shrank from it, thinking about how I may get emotional just saying those words and how open I would be there with everyone looking....and Ben was working so I didn't have the security of him being at my side....so I just sat there and listened. Just then, when I thought my time was up, I heard myself blurt out with a shaky voice "We need money. Money is the only thing keeping us from bringing our children home from Bulgaria, and we need God to send the money." I couldn't believe I said it. Luckily I was sitting on the front row so no one but David and my dad (who was standing next to him) could see all of the tears welled up in my eyes and streaming down my red face. I hate to cry in front of people, it's been years since anyone but my husband and children have seen me cry.

That night I was getting the fire going from being gone all day when the phone rang, it was my mom. She said "Sam, I've been wracking my brain all day to think of how we can come up with some money, and I just found it! I don't know what made me think of it, but I've just remembered that a few years back I opened an account for each of the kids and every month they take a little money out of my check for them. I forgot it was even there and I'm not sure how much money is, but it should be a good bit by now. The accounts were for the kids to spend on anything they wanted so if they want to spend it on the adoption they can! Talk to the kids and if that's what they want to do I'll go and get the money tomorrow!"

I called Ben to ask how much money we needed to get into next step (with the main adoption agency that works with Bulgaria) and he told me that we needed an application fee that we had the money for and then $2700 after we are approved. Then I told him about mom and he explained how relieved he was to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Next I talked to the kids. I said "Molly, I have some good news, Nana found some money that she had put away for you  and Tim and Maddie. It's a good bit of money that could get us closer to getting our brothers and sisters home (that's what we call our kids at home)..." Before I could even finish the sentence Molly jumped up and said "Mom we need that money!".....I explained "Molly, this money is really yours, and yours Tim and Maddie. Are you sure that this is what you want to do with your money?" They all jumped up and down and shouted "Yes! Yes! Yes! We want our brothers and sisters home!"

The next morning Mom and Dad knocked on the door and came in while I was cooking breakfast, moments later each of the children brought me a bundle of money from their own account equalling $2700.  The window is open and the most refreshing breeze is blowing in...

He shut the door and then He opened the window, He didn't forsake me. And now, even though I have not been open about the pain, I can share the testimony. I know we have a long way to go, and thousands more dollars to raise, but I know He will light the path one little step at a time. I hope this testimony can encourage someone today.

xoxo,
Samantha

24 comments:

Busy Nothings said...

Wow. Isn't it amazing how God provides? I will never even try to fully understand all He does or why, but times like this we KNOW we are loved and truly blessed. We are about to embark on a journey of trust as well...nothing as exciting as adoption, but it is going to take major trust and faithfulness and FOCUS on God. Your account of His goodness was very encouraging. I have read your blog for a while. It is great! I love your designs and your blog is such a great read :) I hope you have a great week. I will be praying for you and your family. May God continue to bless you.

Brenda L said...

This post made me cry. That is so sweet that your children at home are so eager and excited about your children abroad.

I'm so happy for you to be able to be making steps to bring your children home!

seemommysew said...

my eyes are filled with tears reading your post (not that it takes much these days!) I so needed to read that this morning. Thank you for your testimony of God's hand in our lives and I'm sooo happy to hear your good news!

Myra said...

Wow, amazing news! Good luck on the next step.

Megan said...

What wonderful news! I'm glad that everything is in place and hopefully soon you will have more children to love.

Alli Cat Creations said...

Wow is all I can say God is amazing for sure. We waited for years for my daughter to become part of our family and I know it is hard to believe but once you have your children with you the time you have waited will seem to disappear. My daughter is adopted as well and I don't know why I had to go through so much heartache before she came but now that seems like a distant memory. My only wish now is that someday God will open another door for us to adopt again. Just remember HIS TIMING is everything not ours.

Karen said...

I am so happy for you, Samantha! Your children are a credit to you. You have taught them to be thoughtful and kind and unselfish. God bless you!

Brenda said...

Out God is AWESOME. I love when he shows himself in such an amazing way. He never leaves us no matter how upset, hurt or angry we get. His love is perfect. I love him and I am so glad that he has opened this door for you and your new children.

Blessings to each of you,
Brenda

maribeth said...

oh, he is giving you the desires of your heart!! i know the pain of miscarriage and understand not wanting to talk about it and the pain that bubbles up. what an amazing story he is sewing for you! and, the desires of your children's hearts is just precious! i pray he continues to bless your family and sew a story that glorifies him!

Renata said...

What a beautiful post about God's provision. Please don't feel guilty about how you are feeling - but do know that I have been praying for you whenever God brings you to mind. What a wonderful way God provided - goes to show He sure wants this adoption to go ahead. Have you thought about putting an adoption button on the side of your blog?

Shell said...

I LOVE YOU Samantha. Thats all I can say!

Laura said...

Samantha, I recently found your blog and it is my new favorite one! I can relate to so much of what you say. I admire your faith and will be anxious to see what God does next in your life. Isn't He amazing! May God bless you on this journey and thank you for sharing it with us!

P.S. I also love Grace Livingston Hill and you are the first person I've found who also loves her books!

jenn said...

I love your story! What a wonderful testimony. This made me cry. I wish your the very best on your journey to bring your children home!!

Molly said...

Our God is SO good, isn't He? And He didn't leave any doubt about the fact that He was the one that had that money planned just for this occasion, now, did He?!?! :) I'm SOOO excited for you all to be able to take this next step. Praying for you.

Debbie said...

I'm crying too. God never lets us down. Praise the Lord you blurted...keep it up. He heard you to the exact amount. He always hears us, but we don't always ask.
Your testimony is a reminder to all of us to always ask! And then praise Him for the answer.

Candace said...

I cried like a baby as well.Praise the Lord God Almighty for His wondrous ways! We have our own stories of how God has come through for our family to the penny when it can to finances.

Candace said...
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Stacy said...
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igail said...

What a beautiful story! You've touched my heart today. Reading your story today has been the opening of my own door-

God bless, good luck with the adoption!

-Abby

Kimmie said...

Hi Samantha (Renata sent me over)

What a beautiful story of God's goodness and faithfulness. I so need to hear this as we wait on Him to provide for our daughter in
Ethiopia (she's 11).

God bless you as you wait on Him with open arms-ready to receive all that He pours into your lives.

I am excited to meet you. Isn't it nice when God lets you meet another dear member of the Family!

Kimmie
mama to 7
one homemade and 6 adopted

Tecia said...

Samantha I'm so proud of your children. I too am sitting here crying as I read about your wonderful children jumping up and down and wanting their brothers/sisters home.

I hadn't read that you had another miscarriage; I'm so very sorry. You my dear are in my thoughts and prayers.

Danielle said...

oh my! sam, that has me just in tears!!! i love how God works in ways like this to provide. :) i can't wait for every other penny to come in so you can bring your babies home!

Angelo said...

This is really amazing. Thank you very much for sharing.
It really cleared some of my doubts and questions to God.
This post did bring a tear to my eye.
I'm so happy for you and your family.

I guess all I can do now is just trust God more. I hope He can open windows to me too. I hope I will get better from my herniated disk sooner and be able to work. I really want to help people like you.

God bless and more blessing to come.

Anonymous said...

I ran across your blog looking for flower patterns to crochet...and your blog sucked me right in. I was reading about your miscarriage and I just wanted to tell you what an inspiration you are. You are real and deep and amazing. Reading your posts about how you felt after dealing with such devestation made me see how "normal" you are. I've never had a miscarriage, I only have 1 small son, but I did go through hell and back with my son. He was 2 months early...and I thought that that was hard enough. So, thank you for writing your true feelings. You've managed to help people understand God in horrible times with something so private. So, thank you! I cried through almost the whole thing...not because I feel sorry for you but that you are so open and that you still choose to follow God and you know that he will still provide. Best of luck in the future to you and your family.

PS. you're crafts are beautiful!

--Stephanie