What you are about to read is a message from a hurting mama and my reply. My reply is basically my testimony written out. This sweet mama allowed me to share this here in hopes that it could help one of you. If it does encourage you please let her know, and if you have any encouraging words of your own, or a testimony to add please do.
I hope you don't mind me asking this, but I feel like you'll understand.
How do you remain trusting of God when it feels like He's turned His back on you? We've been trying to create a new life for 4.5 years now, and had our first pregnancy in that time last September. Unfortunately He took that one, and then last month took our second pregnancy. I feel so angry and bitter toward him, and I've lost all desire to pray or read my Bible. Part of me wants to believe that He loves me, but then there's a huge part of me that thinks "love doesn't treat you this way".
I know I don't know all of your history and story, but I know enough that I'm so envious that you've been through such heartache and still have a love for God and a trust in Him. How do you do that? I desperately want that, because I don't want to feel hurt and bitter and angry. I want to let it go and rest in His peace, but He doesn't feel trustworthy to me.
Oh sweet friend! I've felt that way before too, and it's no fun. In fact, it stinks. I had a picture in my heart of a God who was wrathful, and took things, and forced heartache to get His way, and dealt out curses for those who didn't do as He wished, but I was wrong. I was just raw and hurt, and sometimes even mean (because when I was honest with myself, accusing Him of not being faithful was a way of hurting His heart like I thought He had hurt mine).
I finally came to a place where I didn't want to be bitter and ugly inside anymore. It wasn't me and it didn't feel good. I knew the only way to have true Joy was through Him, so I sought Him. He wasn't hard to find, you see, He missed me. I was His lost sheep, He missed me like I missed my lost babies, He loved me and mourned for me like I did for them. He cried with me and even when I had rejected Him He was faithful. I learned that He loved me with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love just like I love MY children! And just when the going got tough I had pitched a fit and given up on him like a spoiled rotten brat. I was weak, I was hurt, and He understood, and just like I would if one of my children had been a brat and pitched a fit, He was there with His loving arms open and ready to receive me when I was ready.
The work wasn't done, after that I still struggled with the "why's". "Why me? Why my children? Why, Why, Why?" Was I going to just be stuck there never learning or never growing for the rest of my life because I didn't get this one desire of my heart? FINALLY, I started asking "What can I learn through this? Who can I help? What are my motives? How does He feel?" Honestly, these questions revealed a lot of ugly in my heart that 1) I never knew was there, and 2) I never wanted to see. My heart was still a dark place and at the center of it was ME. Not God.
I quickly learned that it's easy to praise God when everything is going my way, it's easy to Love a God who gives me everything I want, but when the focus shifts and I'M not getting EVERYTHING I want, then I get mad... You see that, you see all of those ME's and MY's and I's? This selfish brat was still the center of it all. FINALLY the words came to me that I say to myself every time I send a foster love away, every time I see a dead baby on a sonogram, every time I don't get what I want, every time I'm faced with a situation where I think I can't, every time I want to lose my mind because my kids are driving me nuts, the words that really set me free are.....you ready? Here it is..."IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!" It's not about me. It's NOT about ME! Its about HIM, it's about the "Least of These", its about the "Weak", its about the person who is last, it's about the hurting, it's about unconditional Love, it's NOT ABOUT SAMANTHA CAFFEE!!!!
And you know what happened?! I grew. He filled my heart with more LOVE than I could ever imagine! He showed me how to love others the way HE Loves them! He got me outside of MYSELF! It just brought tears to my eyes thinking about it! When I rid my heart of ME, He filled it up with HIM!!! I did things I never thought I could do! I lovingly cared for children like they were my own and poured all of my love into their lives that I could, I wiped their tears, I cried with them, I cleaned up their vomit, I wiped their dirty bottoms, I dressed them and kissed them goodnight, I protected them like I would my own, and then when the time came, I sent them away.....I'm raising up children in a fallen world who will be sent out to fight a spiritual battle for their Savior "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior" and it's not an easy path but.......It's not about me. It's about their precious lives and the fact that I was honored to ever be a part of it, the ones that I held and the ones that I didn't, the ones who were mine and the ones who weren't. When I gave him all of the ME, He gave me all of HIM!
My journey is NOT over! I have much more to learn, but sweet friend let me encourage you! He is a beautiful, loving, merciful God who is just waiting to pour out His love on you!!! And when you allow Him He is FAITHFUL, and TRUE, and will give you more BLESSINGS than you can contain!!! He misses you with the unconditional love of a Father, and he weeps when you are weeping! The Bible tells us that God IS LOVE! That's what He is! His Love NEVER FAILS! In 1 Corinthians 14:4-7 the Bible tells us what Love is "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." HE is all of those things! The Bible also says " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Dear friend, seek Him and He will restore you! It's not Samantha Caffee that you Envy, it's the God that I am honored to serve, and He can be yours too!