Sunday, September 7, 2008

today..

Today I feel stronger. I miss everyday life, normal routines, healthy babies, normal food. I made a big decision when I woke this morning after only four hours sleep. Ben and I have talked it over and it's final. I can't go through with the D&C. I can't. I'm still sick, my chest is still sore, there has been no bleeding, and even though I feel like it's over.....there is still that chance. I will never forgive myself if I let them take this baby without outward signs of a problem. Ultrasounds are so inaccurate at this stage and that is all I have to go on. I'm going back to the doctors office tomorrow, having a blood test and an ultrasound and I'm coming home with my baby until he/she is ready to go. I will have a D&C when the time is right, but deep down in my soul I can't feel right about it with the way things are now. I know I will be dragging things out and making it harder in ways, but it's what I have to do.
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I can feel God again....and even though I feel like he is standing just outside the door....it's nice to have him here.
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Each and every kind word has been cherished. I never imagined what comfort could come from this little corner of my life, your stories, your encouraging words..... Thank you, I love you all.

33 comments:

Marie said...

God Bless you... you made a hard, but wise decision. I'll be keeping you in my prayers this evening.

Marlya said...

Samantha, I will be thinking about you while you have these tests done. I think going with your heart is the best thing for you and the baby. Lots of love, and best wishes

blueflowertreasures said...

I haven't walked in your shoes, but I can hear your pain. There is no harm in waiting. Don't let "them" pressure you. Take as many days as you need to get better from being sick, to build physical and emotional strength and to pray. And keep talking, we're listening.
~Rebecka

Artsy Momma said...

Keep strong. My thoughts are with you.

Reformed Grits said...

I delivered my "late miscarriage" at 17 weeks. It was a real blessing and gift to be able to see and hold our little son. I thought it would be too horrific since he was so early but now I would not trade those few moments for anything. We were even able to bury him and have a family funeral. No matter how "early" he was, he was a part of our family in hopes and dreams. Our children still talk about him by name as if they knew him. I told the doctor that we wanted to know the gender but if he couldn't tell, we had a boy's name picked out. He said it was a boy, but maybe he was showing grace. He's a boy to us. It was so important for us to have a name to call him and not just "the baby."
Another thing that was helpful is that I got the smallest baby ring made, and they aren't terribly expensive, but I wear it on a chain around my neck everyday. That may sound cheesy but it's this mama's way of remembering and honoring the child who was an Imagebearer.
I'm sure you have made the best decision for your family.
God bless you. I'm praying for your family.

Colleen said...

Only you know what is best for you. Don't let anyone else push you into something that you don't agree with. You and your family continue to be in my prayers. {{Hugs}}

jenn said...

That seems "right" to me...
I know I was told my 2nd's sac was irregular, iffy, etc, etc.. I was on edge forever.. sure of the impending loss... She is 5 and we are blessed. I am praying for a miracle for you.
jenn

Joy said...

I'll be praying for you tomorrow while you are in the doctor's office. Praying for strength and peace and wisdom...
And you know I have to say this because of what just happened to me- if you have horrible abdominal pain (like labor) and you start to bleed heavily, start running a high fever, get to the ER immediately, okay?
Wrapping my arms around your whole family tonight in a prayerful hug. And praying that your kidneys heal and you start to feel better.

BubbaChic.typepad.com said...

You are all in my heart and in my prayers

Dee
xxx

Denise said...

I will pray for you and your family. I'm so sorry for what you're going through and amazed and impressed with your courage to share with others.

April said...

I am sewing tonight. I will be praying for you as I sew. "Jesus, YOU are the author of life, please author a miracle."

Su said...

You will be in my prayers. You're brave & stronger than you know.

Hugs.

Karen said...

I've been praying for a miracle, too.

est said...

stay strong sam. there's always a miracle from GOD.

Thimbleina said...

I have been away and not therefore read your blog for a while. I don't really know what to say as it was a bit of a shock reading what has been happening to you recently. My thoughts are with you through these difficult times

Lindsey said...

Sam, I'm praying for you and your family! I am so very sorry...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting us go on this journey with you. I haven't known the pain that you are going thru. Friend that have gone thru it always say that they are "fine", but I can see that they are not. And I don't know how to help them. Your blog has given me some in sight if what you are feeling. I feel that this will help me in the furture to be more supportive with more understanding. Thank you! You and your family are and will stay in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting us go on this journey with you. I haven't known the pain that you are going thru. Friend that have gone thru it always say that they are "fine", but I can see that they are not. And I don't know how to help them. Your blog has given me some in sight if what you are feeling. I feel that this will help me in the furture to be more supportive with more understanding. Thank you! You and your family are and will stay in my prayers.
Nicki

Olivia said...

I think that is a brave and wise decision, if it the end result is the same. There is no point in being pressured into something by doctors that you don't feel is right (yet). I have never commented on your blog before, but just know that there are those of us quiet bloggers out here that are praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting me go on this journey with you. I haven't known the pain that you are going thru. Friends that have always say that they are "fine", but I can see that they are not. And I don't know how to help them. Your blog has given me some insight of what you are feeling. I feel that this will help me in the future to be more supportive with more understanding. Thank You!! You and your family are and will stay in my prayers.
Nicki

Donella said...

I am right here, if you need me. I am sorry I can't help more, but know you, your baby, and family are close to my heart, and in my prayers.

susie said...

I came across your blog from a photo on flickr and wanted you to know I am praying for you! I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and pray for peace and comfort and strength for you and your family and that you will feel the tender loving care of your Heavenly Father.

rosecottage said...

Samantha,
I just read your weekend entries and I am so sorry that you and your sister are going through so much.Our prayers and thoughts are with you. You are making the right decision, a Mother knows. Carol

Anonymous said...

I am new to your site and although I don't really know you I am hurting for you and I can feel your pain as I had my own miscarriage a few years ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to live through. I am truly hoping for a miracle for you and your family, and I think that you are absolutely doing the right thing by listening to your heart. You are so lucky and blessed to have so many people that care for you, we are all thinking of you today.

Jessica B. said...

I am on vacation and decided to check my Google Reader and saw your posts.

I am so glad you are going to way- it may not change anything but I don't think you will ever regret it.

Just know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.

Sarah said...

Trust your good sense. If your body and conscience are telling you to wait it may be the Lord talking while your emotions are just too raw to hear. Wait. This link is to a forum of moms who were misdiagnosed . Ithttp://www.medhelp.org/forums/Maternal/messages/34707.html . I will add my prayer to your little ones' that you have a baby that doesn't die... and that it be this one! Can't hurt to try!!!
Sarah

Anonymous said...

The only thing I can tell you from life experiences is that you have to focus on what you have and not what you think you should have, otherwise, you will become bitter and will never get through tough times.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you also throughout the testing process.

If it comes to it, FWIW, I chose to miscarry at home (at 12 weeks along) and I am so happy I did/was able to. It was very emotional, but to be able to hold the tiny baby (it looked perfect!) was very therapeutic. My husband and I were able to talk to it, look at it's tiny hands...bury it later under a tree in the yard.

I also found a ring that symbolizes this lost baby...and I still wear it everyday.

I've since had another child. And I realize I wouldn't have her if I hadn't lost the previous baby. It's hard to wrap your head around.

Herbs and Me said...

Hello! I found this blog and thought you might like to read this family story:

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Renee

P.s I have been praying that God will give you some comfort.

Familia Stilwell said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you, my friend. Love ya.

Danielle said...

i'm at a loss for words. just know that i am thinking and praying for you. *HUGS*

Cozy Cottage Slipcovers said...

I will be adding you to my prayers tonight. I pray that grace may shine on your family. You are a VERY GOOD Mother. I admire your difficult decision.

Tessy

Anonymous said...

I know your pain and am in the same boat. I lost a baby just two weeks ago. Seeing that still baby on an ultrasound broke my heart and I have no idea why this has happened to me again. This is the 3rd baby I have lost. One at 21 weeks and another at 10. I don't know what else to say except that I understand.