We've all had one of those days, sometimes a string of them, where anything that can go wrong will go wrong and you are left feeling like real life has just given you a nice stinging slap in the face. Most of the time I don't write about them, it's not what I want to remember, it's not what I want to focus on; but sometimes....well sometimes, when your face stops stinging, and you get your head back above water again, you realize....This one was just too funny to keep to myself! So, what you are about to read is a real life account my day yesterday. Buckle up.
It started out rocky, our big dentist day. First off, I didn't get much sleep because I was having stupid dreams about mixing lip balm all night and missing the one key ingredient that I needed. In between those dreams I was realizing that my throat hurt. The babies were up earlier than normal which meant that I was running off of four hours of not-so-good sleep. The kids were agitated too for whatever reason. Molly had plans to go with her Sunday school class horseback riding for the first time, and as much as I love animals, I must admit, horses scare the bejesus out of me, so I was a little worried. My plan for the day was to take Maddie (who is a total FREAK SHOW at the dentist), Tim, Claire, and Penny to the dentist. WHAT was I thinking when I planned this? To let my right hand man go riding off on a 10 ton animal while I'm juggling everyone else at the dentist?? *head slap* At this point I think "There is still time to make this day better! I can just quick, get Claire prepared for what needs to happen and then it will all go fine!" I lay Claire down and practice...I told her "We are going to the dentist today! YAY! And he will do like this to look at your teeth and say just how pretty they are and then give you a prize!" It didn't go well..see the following picture...
No deal. Okay... so I decided I would just man-up, roll with the punches, and attack it! I called Tim. "Tim, you are the oldest today. Do you know what that means?" he replies "Yeah, don't act like an idiot." I said "Pretty much. You in?" with a sigh "Yep!" (boys just say it different) As a we've-got-this pact, we took the group picture above. So Molly goes, Claire cries, I get ready (Thank God for dry shampoo), Maddie packs a diaper bag, Tim helps load the babies up, and we get on the road. Uh oh. I looked back and saw that Claire has decided that she will just hide to avoid this. She was in her car seat with her blankie over her head in a if-I-can't-see-them-they-can't-see-me-stance.
We were ahead of schedule! YAY! I think "Maybe it won't be that bad!" I had to fill out new patient paperwork for Claire. Seriously people! Who can remember all of these dates and numbers?! Over the last 13 years of writing Ben's social security number more often than my own I have married the two. Yes. I can no longer remember who's is who's and when I do I usually mix the last four numbers of mine with the first numbers of his. I vote that when you get married you get to use the same number on every document and not have to remember more than one. With keeping up with birthdays, and years of birth alone my sleep deprived brain is overloaded with numbers. During this time my children magically got along and I even let Penny go with them to the play area. I sent this text to Ben:
Then the sweet hygienist came to the door of the lobby and called Maddie's name. I saw fear flash in her eyes so I asked "Do you need me to go with you baby?" She nodded. I grabbed Claire's hand, my purse, and Penny and we trudged to the dental chair. The second that Maddie hit the chair I heard "Claire Caffee" Ugh. Okay. I told Maddie "I have to take Claire now but I will be right here cross form you." She seemed okay, so I went. Claire was NOT okay. She was already locked up before we even got to the chair. I asked the hygienist to hold on just a second so that I could go get Tim to hold Penny so that I could hold Claire. The second I handed Penny to him and sat in the chair with Claire I hear "Timothy Caffee!" Really?! From out of nowhere an employee came up to ask "Can I hold the baby?" YES! I hold Claire, there was screaming, there was crying, but the dentist thought that her cracked front tooth was going to be fine and that we should leave it alone for now to see how it heals. Good. I got Penny back, I held Claire's hand, and grabbed my purse and my coffee cup, and we went to check on the other two kids. Did I mention the coffee cup before? No? Well there was a travel mug involved too, that was, by this time, full of cold coffee. I go to the next room to find that we have cavities. UGH! Nothing quite says mother-of-the-year like cavities, ya know? About this time I start thinking "Did somebody just turn the heat on? I'm hot, and sweaty, and sticky...Penny! What do you weigh now? 50 pounds? Jeeez! You are so heavy my arm is falling off!"
After Maddie and Tim were done with their cleaning we shuffle off towards the lobby. They had tokens to spend in the prize machine and I needed to make two new appointments. Before I knew it I was standing with the heaviest 7 month old in the world trying to make the new appointments with a heat vent blowing directly on me! There was a heavy door between me and my three children in the lobby. The lady behind the counter started to ask me questions, and about that time I hear Claire yell "Bub--bbbaaa!" In a tone that means that he has just taken something from her. By the time I got to the heavy door separating us she was behind it yelling her protests and when I tried to open it to tell her to HUSH, it lodged on top of her sandle. Great. For the next 30 minutes, okay so more like 2, I tried desperately to get her to back up so that I could open the door. She couldn't hear me because by now she was in full on PANIC MODE because she couldn't get to her mama. Deep breath. I FINALLY manage to get the door open and hold my baby who was freaking out! I turned to the lady behind the counter and said "I'm going to call you back when I get home. I'm going to talk to Ben and see what works for him so that next time he can bring the big kids and I can keep the little ones at home." I took a deep breath. Okay. At this point I noticed that Tim had the coffee cup under his arm sideways and there was coffee dripping all over the lobby! Quick, I grabbed the cup. Claire was pulling on my leg, so I said "I need you to take Penny and we are going to the car. With one arm I opened the heavy glass door to the outside and with the other I handed Penny to Tim. This is where it got DEEP, fast! Tim was holding a little bag full of goodies that they give the children at every cleaning, Penny grabbed the bag by the bottom and slung....the lobby was littered with the contents of his bag! It was everywhere! I grabbed Penny from him and quickly realized that Claire no longer had my leg! I looked up, Claire had escaped out of the open door and was about 8 feet away from me heading for the parking lot. It is about this time that it registered in my mind what my dear little Maddie is announcing standing in the doorway. Nothing about Maddie is ever quiet, you should know that first off. She is telling me loudly over all of this commotion "Mama! You know how I broke my tooth?! I did it by biting a Jolly Rancher! HA HA HA!" They aren't allowed to even HAVE Jolly Ranchers for this very reason! Quick look, Claire is now 6 foot from the parking lot and gaining speed, Tim is still crouched on the floor picking up his stuff, Penny has decided it's time to nurse and is doing that backbend-into-position move, Maddie is opening her mouth to make another announcement! I say "Maddie! Hush your mouth and get Claire!" She stepped out of the doorway, I let go of the door and wrangled Penny into a carry-able position and we both RUN! I caught at Claire's arm just before she stepped off the curb. Tim finally made it to the car and we loaded up. I sat in my seat with the air conditioning blasting into my face, with all of my dear children strapped into their seats and posted this status on Facebook: "We barely survived that dentist visit. We were cheaper by the dozen up in there. At one point I wanted to say "Who are all of these kids and why are they calling me mom?!" lol! True story."
There are days that we go out and people tell me that they are amazed at how well behaved my children are and look how I just have it all together; and then there are days where real life steps in and gives you a little lesson in humility and a good laugh! After some chocolate, and a conversation with Maddie about how she is never allowed to touch another Jolly Rancher again, not even when she is married and has her own children, I laughed. And I hope you get a good laugh out of it too! xo, Sam