Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Disappointment and Giving Back

I left the doctors office yesterday so disappointed, and defeated, and hormone charged.  It's a hard thing to explain really, disappointment. It's not like grief, it's not because something is over or final, it's that it isn't the way you hoped or planned. It's that it isn't the easiest way, but a harder road than you thought you would be taking.

Disappointment mixed with bad past experiences can be even worse. I cried on the way home as I remembered sitting next to an incubator with glass between me and my baby. I remembered all of those feelings that I felt when Timothy was taken from me as a baby, and how my arms literally ached to hold him. I remembered howA SONG came on while I was getting a snack in the gift shop one morning after visiting hours and I completely lost it. I stood there, my mind delirious from no sleep, completely worn out emotionally from what had just taken place with Timothy and the week before with Molly (she was diagnosed with a blood disease that they first thought was leukemia just 6 days before he was born), my belly was still swollen from giving birth to a baby who wasn't with me, people stared but I didn't care, for once in my life I didn't care if the whole wide world could see me cry and know just how I felt. All of my walls were down and I just stood there and sobbed. It was the kind of cry where all of that deep emotion, that nobody ever wants to see or feel, just flows out of your bones and hurts and heals as it comes out. After that cry I slept for the first time in days. I was completely exhausted on every level.

Yesterday, my doctor very gently broke it to me that we need to be very happy to make it to 36 weeks this time. He wanted me to understand that 36 weeks is a good realistic goal for this pregnancy, and NOT a fail. He told me that he thinks that I can make it to 36 weeks if all goes well, his prediction was that I would make it just to or inside of the 36 week mark. I was so disappointed, I was completely discouraged, and just plain sad that I couldn't make my body stop this insanity! I basically spent the rest of the day feeling depressed and like a big fat failure. I was attacked by all of these hard memories and sad times. Seriously, to this day if I hear that song my heart aches. That's when it hit me that I was wanting these things for my baby and me, and while they were very good things to want ( I mean who can fault a mama for wanting a healthy baby?) I was trying to achieve it by trusting in ME. I thought that by keeping this strict schedule of drinking, eating, going to the bathroom, and taking medicines that God would bless me with just what I wanted. But that's not how He works. He wants me to trust Him for my next step, not to try to earn a healthy baby with my feeble attempts at control. He wants me to hand all of this disappointment to Him and just rest. It's time to give this baby back to the One who can do a better job than me.

That's a hard one isn't it? As mothers we have to constantly re-give these children to Him. We let Him take over or a while (like at the beginning of the pregnancy) and then slowly, without even realizing it, we take back those little bits that we think we can handle. We walk around collecting all of those little jobs until we all of a sudden realize "Oh no! I've got more than I can handle, my arms are too full! Help!" So today, I gave my baby back, again. I'm still fighting, I'm still doing all that can, but with the knowledge that He is in control and not me. And that's a good feeling to have today. Whatever the next three weeks hold for me and my family, I can rest, and know that He is in charge. xo, Sam

13 comments:

Debbie said...

I'm in tears with you. Knowing we can and should trust Him is just so darn hard. I'm praying with you. He is trustworthy and can do a great job. I say that so I can hear it!!!! I'm praying for that healthy baby, too.

auntie said...

Sam, I will pray for you all the harder. Trust is a difficult thing to have and it is not a one time thing either. I have been where you are five times, as each successive child was born earlier and earlier and finally the last one was born and went back to live with the Heavenly Father. Hang in there girl He has a big plan for all of you.

mindingmomma said...

continue to lift you up in my prayers

Meghann said...

I remember with my first, when I was sitting in a waiting room of the NICU waiting to hear test results, my mother turned to me and said "Just remember, God loves your baby even more than you do." Sometimes we forget that.

I'm rooting for you guys. 36 isn't 37, but it's still pretty dang good. Even if your baby comes tomorrow, please know you have done an amazing job fighting to keep that little one in.

Jeannie B. said...

Every day will be a better day for your baby even if you don't reach your goal(I speak as the mother of a 28 week baby).

The Daily Rate from The Friend 1911
Charge not thyself with the weight of a year.
Child of the Master, faithful and dear;
Choose not the cross for the coming week,
For that is more than He bids thee seek.
Bend not thine arms for tomorrow's load;
Thou mayst leave that to thy gracious God,
Daily, only, He saith to thee,
"Take up thy cross and follow Me".

Anonymous said...

You and the Baby are going to be fine, all my babies came early. My twins came one month early weighing 5.6 and 5.7. God is in Control and you need to relax, knit away, and let your family take care of you.....for three more weeks.
Carol

waikikimum said...

Sending you prayers for your baby, you and your family. I love reading your blog and find it so refreshing. I love your family life and the enjoyment you all get from the simple things in life.Take care x

R said...

God bless your obedient heart. What you said here applies to all of life. We all do this in other areas of your lives. It's just so hard to let go and let God have everything. But, He is so good and so patient and loving to us- just waiting for us to get tired and to give up and run to Him. Remember, He knows the number of hairs on that little one's head, and He loves Him with an everlasting love- as He does you. He's got this, so you don't have to worry. You are such a good witness for God. Praying for you both....

Cherishing My Days said...

Reading this just brings tears to my eyes. My oldest son was in the NICU for his first two weeks of life with a disease no one could diagnose (turned out to be Hirschsprung's disease). I remember thinking I had never cried so much in my life. But God was there. And he gave us a real ray of sunshine in our boy. Soon you will be done. And it will have all been in God's timing. You rest and know you are being prayed for!

Bless by Tone said...

still praying for you and your baby

Caroline said...

Oh, goodness. I will be thinking about you in the next weeks. I have the opposite problem...my babies never want to come out. And while, at this point in your pregnancy, you might wish for that, it is also a nightmare. All I ever wanted was to have a natural, vaginal birth, but I end up with c-section after c- section. I once went 42 weeks and 2 days in an effort to have my baby the way I wanted. No luck. I know it's not the same, since I get to leave the hospital with my baby, but it still is a lack of control over the situation. Anyway, try to enjoy the remaining days/weeks of pregnancy and focus on those tiny feet and hiney that are soon to be yours. Best.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry!! I had a 37 weeker, 27 weeker, and 31 weeker. It is so hard when you just want a normal birth experience. I didn't realize that my 4 lb 37 weeker was going to be so normal and what I wouldn't have given to have another "normal" birth like hers. Instead we had our NICU experiences and then had a wonderful China adoption to complete our family. Best of luck with your pregnancy!!

taotao said...
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