Saturday, September 13, 2008

Waves and Trust

My emotions are so fragile right now. Yesterday was so hard because Ben was at work (24 hr shift). By the end of the day I'm worn out emotionally and I start to feel so overwhelmed. It is so crazy how it changes throughout the day, it comes in waves. I start out so happy and thankful for my sweet family; then one person says "how ya doin?' and I'm a basket case, completely broken. I'm praising God one minute for the chance to carry my sweetie for those eleven weeks, and the next minute I'm wondering if there is something really wrong with me that I can no longer carry a baby. I wonder if I will have any more babies or if I will have to wait another year and a half to conceive just to go through this again. I have even struggled with horrible, almost morbid thoughts. The good news is, through all the waves of emotion, deep down I feel like God is doing something in my heart and in my family.
. I found this song by Casting Crowns called "I Will Praise You in This Storm". There is a part that says "I will raise my hands and praise the God that gives, and takes away" that's what it really comes down to...trusting that he has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself, that when he "takes away" it's part of something bigger that we can't see yet. I've always thought of it this way: You know that painter that was on PBS every Saturday morning when we were younger....Bob Ross?...Well I loved that show and I always watched it. I remember that there was a point where he would paint something in and I would think "Well he just messed that up! Why did he put that dark stuff there? He just ruined the whole thing!". But he knew what he was doing, he had a plan; after a few more layers of paint it would be perfect, way better than it would have been had he not put in the dark stuff. After watching him for a while I learned to trust him, he may paint some ugly stuff in every now and then but he will make it right in the end..... it was always perfect in the end. I'm learning to trust God like that. I'm not always good at it ....but I'm trying.
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I know this post has been all over the place, but I've said what I needed to say. It makes me feel better just to get it all out. Thanks for being here to listen. I wish I could give every one of you that have wrote emails or comments during this hard time a huge hug. Why can't we all sit down and have a cup of coffee? Wouldn't that be nice? Thanks for sticking with me friends, I love you all. I will be praying for your family tonight too. xoxo, Samantha

21 comments:

Ceylon Sapphire said...

I always knew that children were a blessing from the Lord, but Im not sure if I hadnt been made to wait ten years for my daughter if I would have appreciated her as much as I do after so much grief to get to her.

I dont know why God allows the dark times to be part of our lives, but when the Master Plan is revealed, the beauty is so obvious you wonder how you could have ever doubted whilst you were going through the dark.

Each day will feel a little like a roller coaster. Allow yourself to feel it.... time will come when it doesnt hurt as badly. For now, be gentle with yourself.

And for what its worth, I really applaud your being so open and honest about this part of your journey. When Ive lost babies I just shut down and shut up. You are obviously helping a lot of people with your openess.

busygnomes said...

You have so much courage, it's such a help that you can express how you feel,I remember saying to my husband "why can't he(God) take my arm or leg, not my precious babies". Time does help heal.And I'm so lucky, I have four healthy and loving children.Your in my thoughts.

The John Family said...

I've been watching your blog for a while. I found you because of some pillow case dresses you posted a while back and just love to watch your creativity. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so inspired by your courage and positive attitude. This post today was just beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Little Munchkins said...

Everyone has said so much already but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and your family.

{{{Hugs}}}

Denise said...

My Grandmother's favorite poem was called "The Weaver" by Grant Tuller Colfax. A copy was always prominently displayed everywhere she lived. It was read at her funeral in April by my 10-yr-old daughter. Your comments about Bob Ross remind me of this poem. If you aren't familiar with it, I would highly recommend you Google it. I'll continue to pray for you and your family.

Jessica said...

When we were adopting our daughter there was a point in time when we thought we could lose her. I remember standing in church with arms lifted up and tears pouring down my face as I sang "you give and take away". I was utterly unpredictable during that time.

I pray that God will find a way to give you the little one that you are waiting for.

Myra said...

I sympathise with you as we are coming upon the 6th anniversary of our first son's premature delivery & death (Sept 16th). Even though pain does recede & time heals the wounds, I am still in a funk for September until his date passes. There was a miscarriage 3 years ago in late September, but that does not affect me as bad as our Joseph was born, baptized and buried back in Houston and we no longer live there so I have notbeen able to visit the gravesite. We are looking into moving his tiny casket to where we are now as we plan to stay. God bless you.

laura said...

Oh, I've been thinking about you much lately. I hope you find peace and healing that you need in this dark time.

On a sewing note, my daughter wore one of your dresses that I just made to church this morning. And got soooooo many compliments. Thank you for creating it.

Marlya said...

Hang in there Samantha, we're all still thinking of you xx

Melissa said...

A few weeks ago we had a sermon at church about trusting God because he sees much more than we can see. We have this small little window we can look out; a tiny scope of reference, but He sees so far beyond that. Trust Him, he knows what he is doing, even in times of darkness in our lives. (((HUGS)))

SHEILA said...

You are helping others heal along with you Samantha. That is one part of God's plan, I'm sure of it.
Love you

Oliver Rain said...

Oh my sweet girl. I wish I could give you a hug. I'm hurting for you up here in Canada, but I think you are absolutely right. God does have a special plan. It's sometimes hard to see, but I know that if you put your trust in Him, it will work out. Sending lots of love and prayers your way.

Familia Stilwell said...

I so appreciate your transparency and openness. Our pastor used to describe these times as a tapestry. God sees the tapestry from the top...the beautiful finished product. We see it from the bottom...all the knots and loose ends. But when we are in Heaven we will see the beautiful tapestry, too! Right now, it is exactly as you said, a matter of trust. By the way, I used to love that painter guy, too!(although I would've never remembered his name) :) Praying for you, friend.

Joy said...

I love the Bob Foss allusion. I think it's even more wonderful that we know the Master Artist, no? How well and beautifully you have quantified what I have been struggling with too. Today is James' first day back at work and I feel so lost and a bit overwhelmed. Love to you, dearest one. Thank you for being honest. So glad we are walking this journey together- continuing in prayer for you and yours! X0X0X0

Firefly Hill said...

Hi Samantha,

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hoping you are starting to feel a little better (sounds like you are). I have been through this once myself...it is so hard. Everyone is different ..give yourself time to grieve and heal.

Sending you a big hug ...

annie

Lady_MSnow said...

I can't believe it has been a week since I have "checked" in with you. Our God is so good and he will always be there for us. I am so happy to hear that you are trusting our Lord and letting him shelter you in this storm.

tara said...

Because of my move I havent had my computer for some time. I checked your blog first and was heartbroken to read of your loss. I am so sorry for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I am new to your blog and as a fellow sewing mama (I have two precious little ones, the youngest is an almost 2 yr old girl...I sew for her mostly), I just wanted to let you know that I'll be praying for you and your sweet family. It is a comfort to know that God is good all the time and He works all things out for our good. What a promise. Sometimes I have to cling to it for dear life. Love your blog!!((Hugs))
Nicole

Kay said...

My thoughts are with you. I've never lost a child but I struggle with trusting God in the midst of my pain, going down the path He's chosen when it doesn't look like what I thought it should. Your raw emotions have helped me not to discount my own faith. I wasn't trusting that I ever had been close to God if I could come up with the feelings that roll around my head these days. I know I've walked closer with the Lord and I know He is still close even though times are different and not so spectacular, thank you for sharing your story because it translates over lots of wounds to the heart. Blessings

Marianna said...

Hello,

Lovely dress. I know that working with your hands helps to deal with the pain you must feel.

I have had two miscarriages one in between each of my children. They were both in the early stages of pregnancy and for that I am thankful. I also had a D&C after the first miscarriage. It took an entire year to conceive again. But I did and had more children.

I sometimes wonder about the two that didn't make it, what would they have looked like boy or girl. Yet I also do believe that they were not meant to be and it is OK. But most of the time I don't think about them at all because the living and the doing keeps me too busy to wonder.

The pain recedes and time does heal.

Sending you good wishes and a heartfelt hug... Marianna

gardenmama said...

I know you don't know me, and may not even get this comment, but I had to comment. I am just picking up bits and pieces of your story so far, reading backwards from your most recent post, but then I caught this one. I had a miscarriage a year and a half ago. When I was having a conversation with God, trying to come to terms with the fact that I may be losing the baby (I wasn't very far along), I was in the car and this song came on. It was new at the time, and I didn't hear all of it, but I heard that same line you wrote about. As soon as I heard that, I knew God was telling me that the baby was already in Heaven with Him, and I could barely make my way back home through my tears. I just wanted to say that that song is special to me, too, for the very same reason. I am sorry fo your loss.