Saturday, September 6, 2008

The truth

I have always told the truth here, I'm not going to start sugar coating things now. What I have to say is not pretty, it doesn't sit well, and you know I have never been one to use fancy words; but if there is any small chance that it would help another hurting mama I'm willing to write it all down just how it happened, no frills.
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For the last two days I have been in shock, mad, confused, MAD AT GOD, felt guilty and I've not really even cried much. I have even thought about being an atheist, but I couldn't make myself believe it. I'm hurting and I feel numb at the same time. How could this happen?
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I lost a baby almost two years ago at 11 weeks, I hurt for so long. We tried to conceive again but nothing. Just when I had given up all hope of ever having another precious child and had become content with my three beautiful children that are here, it happened.... a year and a half later I was expecting again.
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The deal was sweetened the next day when my sister called to tell me she was expecting too! My sister miscarried a week later while we were at the beach on vacation. I felt so guilty to be the one still pregnant, but she assured me that she was so happy for me and she did not have any resentment at all. I was glad to be able to help her through her pain with my own experience. We have always been very close and I was so glad that it only made us stronger.
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Now this. I had a dream the night before I went to the doctor that the baby had died, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. It's too much. I have found myself questioning everything I have ever thought or believed. I'm struggling to even believe what has happened, it really doesn't feel real at all. My mother in law called this morning to talk to me and I was so ashamed of the things that were coming out of my mouth. She said "God is the only one who can make you feel better" and I replied "Well, we are not on speaking terms". I apologized for telling her how I really felt instead of just saying something like "Oh, I'm fine. I will feel better in a few days". She told me she understood. I can't lie. It's not me. Then today while reading all of your loving comments I saw the word "valley". The song "If you want me to" started playing in my head. I don't remember ever hearing this song before so I googled the words that I could hear and read the lyrics. With every word I felt a little more strength.
This is the song....
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I'm not OK. I am in so much pain that I can't even begin to describe it in words, but have decided "I will walk through the valley if he wants me to". Sometimes I will walk backwards, sometimes I will crawl, I may even stop and scream every now and then, but I will walk through this valley for his purpose. There will be days that I may not be able to talk to him, like yesterday, and there may be days that I tell him I hate him and I won't go; but I will.... I have a long hard road ahead of me.
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My children are praying for "a baby that won't die".....I HATE to see them hurt. Ben is amazing, taking care of the kids and house .....even when he's hurting too. Please don't stop praying for my family, I may need you to go to war for me on the days I can't. Please don't stop commenting, I know this is not a fun place to be right now but it means so much to me to know that your there. Thank you for being there....I can't explain it, but it is so comforting. I love you all.
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I truly hope that this "truth" will help someone else, that these raw uncensored feelings will feel comforting to someone going through the same thing. If I don't help someone else it was all for nothing.....It can't be all for nothing.
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27 comments:

Colleen said...

I amazed at your thoughtlessness in trying to help others in this time of sorrow.

You and your family will remain in my prayers.

Rachelle said...

Just know that you're not alone.

Ashley said...

I'm new here...just clicked over from Soule Mama a few days ago.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can't imagine your sorrow. I've never been where you are, but I HAVE been where your kids are. My mom experienced several losses when me and my sisters were just desperate for her to have a baby. I think the thing that helped me the most was her just making it real clear to me that it was okay for me to be sad. I didn't want to upset her, so I would try to be strong, but she let me know that wasn't necessary and I think that made things a lot better.
In reading your thoughts just now I was reminded of something I read awhile back, about how God can deal with our anger. It's OK to be angry with Him. He isn't scared of your emotions, and as long as you are bringing that anger to Him, He will answer you, in His perfect way. He's still God and He's still taking care of you and He will carry you through this even if you don't understand why.
Think of your own kids, and how you take care of them, even when they don't like something you're doing for them. And His love is so much greater.
Sorry this is long...I'm not trying to be annoying, just so heartbroken for you and your family, and want you to know it's ok to feel the way you do because our Father's love is unconditional.
God bless you all, and I will be praying for you.

Marie said...

If you have the time, I really think you should go check out this blog...it will minister to you in an awesome and mighty way. This woman has been through similar circumstances as you. The URL is http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com
It will bless you!

I'll be praying for you this evening.

Stacy Th said...

Know that it is ok to be angry at God. I have had many miscarriages the latest being an 11 week with no HB that ended with a D&C. After that experience I took sometime to refocus on what I did have. I allowed myself to grieve but also delight in the children I did have. I am in tears for you now mama as I feel the pain/anger in your post. God restores and he has blessed me with another child since. HUGS!

Anonymous said...

Hugs Mama!
God will hold you in His hand, and wrap His arms around you in your time of sorrow. He cries when you cry, He hurts when you hurt, He has a plan for all of us (even your tiny babe.) He does not intend for life to be like this, and He aches along with you and your family during your heartache.
It's okay to be angry. It's okay to scream. It is okay to feel the way you are feeling. He understands, and He loves you so very much.
I will keep you and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers.

April said...

Oh, Samantha . . . . . I've heard that song many, many times but have NEVER listened to the words - seriously. I will never be able to listen to it now without thinking of you and your amazing witness, testimony, ministry... Yes, dear friend, your loss is real. Your hurt is real. Your anger is real. And, your relationship with Jesus is also very real - even through all of your feelings, He is assuredly ministering through you.

Ceylon Sapphire said...

I too clicked over from Soula Mama....

I can only say that I have an 'idea' of your grief because I suffered through ten years of infertility before my body finally held onto my daughter.

Im so sorry for your loss.

I will pray for your family and you tonight.

Mamalama said...

Oh, Samantha, I am so very sorry. {{{hugs}}}

Awesome Ginny Owens song--it has been the cry of my heart on so many days.

Here's another song that has ministered to me at times of great sorrow:

the song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_-QMRyf6ls

the album (awesome):
http://www.amazon.com/Streams-Jon-Anderson/dp/B00000J7SE

the lyrics:
http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/c/cindymorgan5890/job504769.html

Praying for you and your family.
Press in closer, dear Sister.

Robin

Karen said...

I'm another newie to your blog but wanted to offer my prayers and comfort to you. Your honesty at this time is so important toother mums out there in blogland experiencing similar things.
If all us mums were more honest we'd judge each other less and support each other more.
Take care of you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Oh Samantha, anger is part of the grieving process. Tears are falling down my face, I am so very sorry. I understand about God calling us to walk in paths that are so hard. I wish I could be there with you to hold your hand and say you will get through this. I have my own valley walk right now, and what I tell myself on a daily, if not hourly basis, is that God is enough. May you sense His presence and know His peace.
Debbie
Just Peachy

BubbaChic.typepad.com said...

We are here for you honey, and will keep lifting you up in prayer
Dee x

Mary said...

You know I am here for you.

Artsy Momma said...

Samantha,

I am a day late and a dollar short to your last post. I am so sorry. Having gone through it myself over a year and a half ago it was and still is one of the most trying times in my life. My only comfort for myself is that it happens for a reason, that baby was just not ready to be here on earth and when he or she is meant to be here with me they would be. I know though right away that means crap and it hurts so much all I could see was the pain. For me the greatest part of my pain was having complications with my miscarriage and having to be rushed to the ER because I wasnt clotting. I basically went into labor and while I was losing my baby a women walked in about to give birth. It was the cruelest joke God ever played on me, I still dont know why he did that to me but I continue to have faith. Faith that this experience made me stronger and I should cherish my daughter more as well as the next chance to become pregnant as scary as that has been for me. (I still find myself holding my breath thinking that something is wrong and I will lose this one too)

Just know you are not alone and we are giving you BIG HUGS!

pincushionpoints said...

You remain in my prayers and thoughts.

lissilulu said...

I am so sorry.
When I read your post about the truth everything felt good to me in a very honest way. God already knows our heart...
I was going to tell you about Angie's blog (Audreycaroline) too. Glad someone else knows about it.
Let yourself go through the emotions..you already know that from before.
Will be praying for your family.
Warmly,
Lori

Babylady said...

you can see my own miscarriage struggle on my blog... but getting a charm from myforeverchild.com helped me as well as a poem I found there

I`m just a precious little one who didn`t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live,
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me,
it was brief but don`t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth`s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I`d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I`d lingered in earth`s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family-don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus` arms
from my loving Mother`s womb.
~Author Unknown

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry, honey, I know that you are hurting. My throat aches with unshed tears for you and yours. The guardian angels the Almighty gave you at your birth are at your side, holding you up. You are lifted up in prayer, dear one. Soop

Joy said...

Samantha...
I understand, more than you know. Walking with you...
praying, thinking of you, sending love...

Karen said...

He'll carry you through the valley during the times when you feel like you can't move. Hang on, sweetie, even when it doesn't make sense.

I've experienced this kind of loss. I ache with you and have lifted you in prayer many times in the last few days. Much love, K

Marlya said...

Samantha, I'll be thinking about you-- and thankyou for sharing your feelings with us. Sometimes unburdening yourself is so relieving. Lots of love and hugs going your way!!!

jenn said...

I am in tears over your pain, my heart aches for you and your family. Just day by day.. one day it will be better even if it nevers seems so. He has a perfect plan for you and all of us... if only the pain was not so great. Continued prayers for you and your sweet family.
jenn

Rebecca said...

So sorry for your loss . . . thank-you for sharing your emotions, raw and real . . . wishing you strength and healing.

Tecia said...

I am so very sorry. We are here for you.

Reformed Grits said...

Hearing you. It's hard to trust when you think you could be hurt; this statement from CS Lewis sums it up for me: “We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”

I haven't met you but I know our children are playing together, whole and happy in heaven.

Miss Breezy said...

If only I could reach out to you and and hug you. My heart breaks for you. I can only imagine your pain right now. Thank you for being honest and sharing your heart. God is working through you even in your darkest nights. Thank you for posting the song: it was so beautiful.

Its easy to question God, but He is the One in control, and He sends us these days so that He can carry us and be our Comforter.
Psalm 40

Grieving and praying for you,
-Breezy

Rebecca said...

i am so sorry.