Tuesday, September 9, 2008

It's over.

I went to the hospital Monday morning prepared for anything, but my heart was strong and ready to tell them our decision. They took me back for the ultrasound and I had no idea what we would find. Would there be that little flicker of a heartbeat....or would it be as before? As soon as I saw that perfect little angel on the screen I knew he/she was gone, there was no more questions in my mind. I didn't cry.... it felt very peaceful. I just lay there and enjoyed seeing my baby one last time. I was amazed by the tiny little arms and legs. She said "It's a perfect little baby, I can see nothing wrong outwardly, but it's little heart must have just quit beating. It could have been that the implantation was not right." It felt so good to hear that,"perfect little baby". I asked for a picture and she gave me one just before I left.
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We had 3o minutes before I had to sign in for surgery or tell them that I had backed out. Ben and I talked and cried but God had given us both a peace about the fact that it was truly over. Looking back I feel like maybe the reason I felt I couldn't go through with the surgery was because Friday, when I found out about all of this, I was alone; Ben and I make all of our decisions together and I couldn't make a decision like that without him seeing what I saw. After we talked for a while we both agreed that we were at peace with the fact that it was over, that's all I needed....peace. The same strong feeling that I had an hour before was now pulling me in the other direction, that mama sense always knows what's right.
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I signed in for surgery and I cried. The last moments are hard for me.....just knowing you will only have your baby with you a little while longer is so very hard. My sweet doctor came in, held my hand and prayed for Ben, me, and our children. Then it happened.... I woke in recovery and felt my belly to see if the baby was really gone and he/she was. A while later I got dressed in my maternity clothes that I wore there but I no longer needed them.
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I came home and slept until dark, got up and ate a little, then slept until now. I'm hurting, exhausted, groggy, and I miss my baby terribly; but I'm at peace and I have no regrets about our decision... and that's all I wanted. This is the first time in 7 1/2 years that I have not been pregnant or nursing a baby. I don't like it. I miss my baby.
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When I woke yesterday to eat I checked my email, there were over 40 emails and comments from mamas all over the world letting me know they loved me and they were sending prayers and hugs. It makes me feel like I'm not fighting all alone. Thank you and I love you too.

29 comments:

Regy said...

Thank you for sharing this all with the world! May God bless you and your family. Your testimony encouraged me to trust in God alone. He really knows what's best for us! And all he wants is to love us and to be loved by us.

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'?
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creater of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
- Isaiah 40:27-31 -

Regina

DangitAnge said...

I'm so sorry.

My name is Alisa said...

You, Samantha, are one of the most amazing women I know. Your life, your stories, your heart and your strength inspire me; the good, the bad and the scary.

God is doing something, something extraordinary.

Myra said...

I have been there 3 times. The last m/c was about 12 weeks and happened out of the blue, previous one was at 7 weeks and first one at 18.5 weeks (his 6th anniv. is Sept 16) and we have 3 bio kids ages 5, 3 and 7 mos and 1 adopted, age 7. I didn't want to d/c the last m/c but I didn't want to do it at home either with the kids around, so we went into the hospital after all. My sympathies to you.

seemommysew said...

I've been praying for you, mama. Thanks for being open enough to share your journey.

Joy said...

Oh dearest, I am so sorry. I am glad though, that it happened with peace. (The one thing I was praying so very hard for!) Rest now, and know that He will sustain you. It will come in waves, but He will be there. Love and hugs and prayers...

"Listen to me…
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:3,4 NIV

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

lissilulu said...

(((((((lots of hugs & prayers))))))))

cjoy said...

Yes, thank you for sharing. Your heart is so sweet and I am blessed for touching your world.

I'm glad you have peace. I pray this week is calm and peaceful and that you begin to find joy in the midst of the mourning.

Karen Ann Pink said...

God bless you and keep you.

windy said...

Samantha, I've read your blog for a while now and you have been such an inspiration to me through a very difficult time. May the Lord continue to walk you through this valley. May he give you comfort and strength.
"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Mercies and the God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our tribulation that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I will be praying for you and your beautiful family

Karen said...

This brought back memories that I haven't thought of in a long time. Yet even in that feeling of emptiness and loss He is gently holding you in His arms, Samantha. Don't forget that He knows this pain, too.

I'm so sorry that you are in this place, my heart aches so heavily. Lots of love and prayers for you and your family.

Bren said...

You have touched my heart this afternoon. I am remembering you in my prayers. Such a creative spirit you are I just know God is watching over you and your family.

Firefly Hill said...

Dear Sam,

I am so sorry to read your very sad news! I know you are helping others by sharing your story. I am thinking of you....


Annie

Jaime said...

I don't even begin to understand what you are going through. I am praying for you and your family. I have a cousin who has gone through similar stuff and just blogged about their unborn baby's third birthday, and what God has taught them, it is awesome it made me tear up. I also know she mentioned they did a memorial service and it was very helpful in saying goodbye. Here is her blog: http://seeking2026.blogspot.com/ I hope you check it out. I know God can use this to strengthen your faith in Him.

Dana nichols said...

Prayers and much love to you and your family. You are a brave girl to share all this with the world and I know that you will help someone through your blog. God will be with you through all of this. He never fails! God bless you!
Dana

wondermommy said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. You are in the prayers of my family. God will bring you through this. Just know that your little one can see the face of God and is safe.

Marlya said...

Samantha, I thought about you all day yesterday while at work- our time clock is different (Australia) so I guessed when I got home monday night you were going through your ordeal. I am so glad you got a picture of your Perfect Little Baby. Hugs! And I am still thinking about you

Colleen said...

You and Ben and your angel are in my prayers.

sarah said...

What an unexpected blessing you have been to me today with your candid words. I will be praying for you and your family!

KarenH said...

Samantha,

You've definitely been on my heart since last week. I'm glad the wait gave you the answers and peace you needed.

Anonymous said...

xoxoxoxo

Just thinking about you. I'm glad that you were able to cope so well with today. Again I'm sorry about your baby. It's very sad.

I hope that someday when the time is right for you that God gifts you with another baby. You are such a great mom.
Debbie R.

sammon said...

My prayers go out to you. You are not alone in losing babies. It is heartbreaking, but you will get through it with your Heavenly Father's help. I remember after the death of my first baby how angry, and jealous, and sad I was, I remember one day in particular where I just could not stand the feelings I had one second more. I went back to my room and laid it all before the Lord, and a sweet peace descended over me. I will never forget the feelings I had while on my knees. And the sweet relief that I so needed from the terrible feelings that are so normal after losing a baby. This feeling only lasted 15-20 min. but it was enough for me to be able to go on.

I pray that you too will be able to have sweet relief when you need it in your grieving.

Sarah
www.savingbananas.blogspot.com

heartathome said...

Still praying for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

Samantha,
My thoughts and prayers and with you. From my own experience, it is truly a loss that needs to be mourned in its own way. Look how that tiny life has touched so many people and made the world a bit better for having been.
I am so sorry and wish you bountiful peace.

Andrea said...

Dear Samanthat-You do not know me, but I read of your miscarriage and I wanted to tell you that we have been preg.10 times and have 4 children to show for it. After my last miscarriage my MD did some research and said that he thought that I could have a clotting disorder. The small vessels of the placenta would clot and the baby could get no oxygen, which would result in death of the fetus.
The second we decided to try and conceive again I started taking aspirin in low doses & iron. took it until 37 weeks, and had 2 babies back to back. no miscarriages in between. First time that had ever happened.
Something you may want to try. Don't give up, my friend.

Dana said...

My prayers are with you and your family. I know miscarriage all too well - I lost 6 pregnancies and 7 babies. I have been blessed with 2 wonderfully healthy boys and I'm very happy to have them. It's been over 5 years since my last loss and time has eased things. Prayers that you're feeling better soon.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry.

Melissa said...

I'm late on commenting here as I've been out of touch with my blogs since school started, but I wanted to send you lots of hugs and prayers. I had a miscarriage between my first and second children at 14.5 weeks. It was hard, but I had been bleeding on and off for weeks and figured it was going to happen. The night before I miscarried, I woke up in the middle of the night cramping. I just knew that it was over. I prayed to God for peace. I was so scared that it would happen at home, and just prayed God would get me through and that I could be strong. Suddenly a peaceful feeling came over me and I knew things were going to be okay. The next day I had an u/s before I saw the doctor and the tech was very quiet and I could see my baby was all curled up in the top of my uterus out of the amniotic fuild. The heart was still beating, but very slowly. I met with my doctor a short time later and she was going to schedule me for a D&C because the u/s result showed an impending miscarriage. She decided to check me first to see if I was dilating and right then and there I miscarried in her office. I feel such a peace over me when it happened. I was so very sad that my baby went on to the Lord and I didn't get to hold him/her, but I know someday and I be with my baby in Heaven. I know right now you're hurting. I pray for your family's healing and God's arms to comfort you in this time of loss. (((HUGS)))