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A Letter and a Testimony

What you are about to read is a message from a hurting mama and my reply. My reply is basically my testimony written out. This sweet mama allowed me to share this here in hopes that it could help one of you. If it does encourage you please let her know, and if you have any encouraging words of your own, or a testimony to add please do.

 

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Sam,

I hope you don't mind me asking this, but I feel like you'll understand.

How do you remain trusting of God when it feels like He's turned His back on you? We've been trying to create a new life for 4.5 years now, and had our first pregnancy in that time last September. Unfortunately He took that one, and then last month took our second pregnancy. I feel so angry and bitter toward him, and I've lost all desire to pray or read my Bible. Part of me wants to believe that He loves me, but then there's a huge part of me that thinks "love doesn't treat you this way".

I know I don't know all of your history and story, but I know enough that I'm so envious that you've been through such heartache and still have a love for God and a trust in Him. How do you do that? I desperately want that, because I don't want to feel hurt and bitter and angry. I want to let it go and rest in His peace, but He doesn't feel trustworthy to me.

Thanks,

Hurting Mama

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Hurting Mama,

Oh sweet friend! I've felt that way before too, and it's no fun. In fact, it stinks. I had a picture in my heart of a God who was wrathful, and took things, and forced heartache to get His way, and dealt out curses for those who didn't do as He wished, but I was wrong. I was just raw and hurt, and sometimes even mean (because when I was honest with myself, accusing Him of not being faithful was a way of hurting His heart like I thought He had hurt mine).

I finally came to a place where I didn't want to be bitter and ugly inside anymore. It wasn't me and it didn't feel good. I knew the only way to have true Joy was through Him, so I sought Him. He wasn't hard to find, you see, He missed me. I was His lost sheep, He missed me like I missed my lost babies, He loved me and mourned for me like I did for them. He cried with me and even when I had rejected Him He was faithful. I learned that He loved me with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love just like I love MY children! And just when the going got tough I had pitched a fit and given up on him like a spoiled rotten brat. I was weak, I was hurt, and He understood, and just like I would if one of my children had been a brat and pitched a fit, He was there with His loving arms open and ready to receive me when I was ready.

The work wasn't done, after that I still struggled with the "why's". "Why me? Why my children? Why, Why, Why?" Was I going to just be stuck there never learning or never growing for the rest of my life because I didn't get this one desire of my heart? FINALLY, I started asking "What can I learn through this? Who can I help? What are my motives? How does He feel?" Honestly, these questions revealed a lot of ugly in my heart that 1) I never knew was there, and 2) I never wanted to see. My heart was still a dark place and at the center of it was ME. Not God.

I quickly learned that it's easy to praise God when everything is going my way, it's easy to Love a God who gives me everything I want, but when the focus shifts and I'M not getting EVERYTHING I want, then I get mad... You see that, you see all of those ME's and MY's and I's? This selfish brat was still the center of it all. FINALLY the words came to me that I say to myself every time I send a foster love away, every time I see a dead baby on a sonogram, every time I don't get what I want, every time I'm faced with a situation where I think I can't, every time I want to lose my mind because my kids are driving me nuts, the words that really set me free are.....you ready? Here it is..."IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!" It's not about me. It's NOT about ME! Its about HIM, it's about the "Least of These", its about the "Weak", its about the person who is last, it's about the hurting, it's about unconditional Love, it's NOT ABOUT SAMANTHA CAFFEE!!!!

And you know what happened?! I grew. He filled my heart with more LOVE than I could ever imagine! He showed me how to love others the way HE Loves them! He got me outside of MYSELF! It just brought tears to my eyes thinking about it! When I rid my heart of ME, He filled it up with HIM!!! I did things I never thought I could do! I lovingly cared for children like they were my own and poured all of my love into their lives that I could, I wiped their tears, I cried with them, I cleaned up their vomit, I wiped their dirty bottoms, I dressed them and kissed them goodnight, I protected them like I would my own, and then when the time came, I sent them away.....I'm raising up children in a fallen world who will be sent out to fight a spiritual battle for their Savior "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior" and it's not an easy path but.......It's not about me. It's about their precious lives and the fact that I was honored to ever be a part of it, the ones that I held and the ones that I didn't, the ones who were mine and the ones who weren't. When I gave him all of the ME, He gave me all of HIM!

My journey is NOT over! I have much more to learn, but sweet friend let me encourage you! He is a beautiful, loving, merciful God who is just waiting to pour out His love on you!!! And when you allow Him He is FAITHFUL, and TRUE, and will give you more BLESSINGS than you can contain!!! He misses you with the unconditional love of a Father, and he weeps when you are weeping! The Bible tells us that God IS LOVE! That's what He is! His Love NEVER FAILS! In 1 Corinthians 14:4-7 the Bible tells us what Love is "4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." HE is all of those things! The Bible also says " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Dear friend, seek Him and He will restore you! It's not Samantha Caffee that you Envy, it's the God that I am honored to serve, and He can be yours too!

Love,

Sam

 

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Comments

Anonymous said…
I am so sorry for the loss. In saying that I really get upset about God being blamed for everything. How can we say that the God who sent his son to die for us would take our loved ones away. God sent Satan out of heaven and he is the little g god of this world, he is the one we need to blame. God loves us!
October 2, 2013 at 5:45 AM
Anonymous said…
I too have gone through wanting a baby so bad and God saying no. I have gone through turning my back on God by not being involved with my faith only to find Him still waiting for me when I returned. Even when I turned back to Him He said No. I was devastated each month when I had not conceived. But one day Eleven years after my husband and I were married, and after much prayer HE said yes. Oh how he blessed me. Of course it was not until after we had gone through all the DHR requirements to adopt. The state said yes and then God said "That's good but it is time to have one of your own now." I could not believe I was actually pregnant. I mean all the doctors said it would never happen. I needed to adopt. But you know I have a saying on my computer at work that says "Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead tell the storm how big your God is!" God is in control and he is a loving God. He only gave me one child and a second attempt at adopting brought many "What if's" until my husband and I decided that God was telling us we did not need to pursue the adoption. As it turned out He of course new what was best for me. It became ever increasingly apparent that One was all we were supposed to have.But He has continually filled my life with children in every way and He continues to fill my life with children. Praise Jesus! Please read Psalm 139. God knows you and loves you more than you can fathom for He "formed my inmost being;
you knit me in my mother’s womb." The God who does that could never forsake you just as you could never forsake a child of your own. You have children in heaven now. They are in the presence of God. If you have not already done so give them a name. You may not know if they are a boy or girl but name them anyway. There are names that suit both genders. These babies you lost are not really lost they are with God. He blessed them to go from perfect world to perfect world. Praise Him for his love and gentle care of your sweet precious angels.
I will be praying for you and always know that God still loves you now and He always will.

May God bless you

Pegi
October 2, 2013 at 7:24 AM
Brooke said…
Poor mother grieving for her babies! There is death in this world because it is cursed by sin since Adam's fall. God does not make people's babies die, loved one's get cancer, or hurricanes hit. They are a result of Adam's sin. We will all die, because we have all sinned. (romans 3:10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one:)God is just and we must all pay for that sin someday, unless we choose to accept that Someone has already payed for that sin. ( romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.) Jesus Christ took your sin and mine on himself. (2Corinthians 5:21 For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.) He has done everything! All we need to is reach out and take His gift if you haven't. (ephesian 2: 8,9 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.) Free, forgiven forever! Your children are with God and if you are a believer in Christ's work you can be with them forever someday. God cares for you. He knows you are hurting and wants you to take that hurt to Him! God knows what it is like to lose a child- He gave his Son for us.
October 2, 2013 at 7:34 AM
Christine said…
Loss in extremely hard. In those moments of grief it is so easy to turn to anger and blame. Our friends son lost his battle with cancer at age 8, I was so upset and angry. I talked to our Pastor, saying how could God do this! Her response was that God does not cause these horrible things and tragic events. That he is not in control of who they happen too, he does not punish like many people think is happening to them. But he is there to get you through it, he is there to love you and give you strength to survive and live on. He is there through your hurt and anger. I used to think that "God has a plan for you" meant that he also planned the bad events in life. Now I understand that through the bad times, which God is not a cause of, we grow in strength and love and he is there to help us through.
October 2, 2013 at 8:15 AM
jackiep1975 said…
My daughter lost a set of twin boys when she was 16 after she married her husband Steve they tried for 8 yrs to have a child oh the heartache she felt but the Lord gave her a beautiful girl after those 8 years and then 20 months later a beautiful son. I have a step-sister who tried for 15 years to have a child the doctors told her finally she would never get pregnant so they adopted 6 months later she found out she was pregnant. My daughter-in-law lost 4 babies it took her 7 years to carry to full term. I would say to never give up and always remember that our Lord is there. The most important thing I can tell you is to remember that it is not our schedule but his that will come to pass....be patient our Heavenly Father has his time table and he will bless you.
October 3, 2013 at 5:54 PM
Vintage Rose said…
Thank you Sam for posting this sweet mama's message and your reply.
I am still hurting after 2 miscarriages and not sure why I can't become pregnant again after my daughter was born 7 years ago. My sweet little girl prays for a brother or sister and I pray that one day HE will answer our prayers.
October 7, 2013 at 1:06 PM
Libby said…
Thank you for this! Instead of saying "it's not about me, it's about the kids (or husband or friend or whoever)" you say "it's about GOD!" This is mind-blowing!
October 9, 2013 at 8:37 AM
Renata said…
Thank you! I have never lost a baby, but I have begged God for babies ~ even if I was to loose them. To just have the life for a few days...
I have learnt much the same lessons as you through the past 6 years of pain. Your words touched my heart.
October 16, 2013 at 11:57 PM
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