My emotions are so fragile right now. Yesterday was so hard because Ben was at work (24 hr shift). By the end of the day I'm worn out emotionally and I start to feel so overwhelmed. It is so crazy how it changes throughout the day, it comes in waves. I start out so happy and thankful for my sweet family; then one person says "how ya doin?' and I'm a basket case, completely broken. I'm praising God one minute for the chance to carry my sweetie for those eleven weeks, and the next minute I'm wondering if there is something really wrong with me that I can no longer carry a baby. I wonder if I will have any more babies or if I will have to wait another year and a half to conceive just to go through this again. I have even struggled with horrible, almost morbid thoughts. The good news is, through all the waves of emotion, deep down I feel like God is doing something in my heart and in my family.
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I found this song by Casting Crowns called "I Will Praise You in This Storm". There is a part that says "I will raise my hands and praise the God that gives, and takes away" that's what it really comes down to...trusting that he has a bigger plan for you than you have for yourself, that when he "takes away" it's part of something bigger that we can't see yet. I've always thought of it this way: You know that painter that was on PBS every Saturday morning when we were younger....Bob Ross?...Well I loved that show and I always watched it. I remember that there was a point where he would paint something in and I would think "Well he just messed that up! Why did he put that dark stuff there? He just ruined the whole thing!". But he knew what he was doing, he had a plan; after a few more layers of paint it would be perfect, way better than it would have been had he not put in the dark stuff. After watching him for a while I learned to trust him, he may paint some ugly stuff in every now and then but he will make it right in the end..... it was always perfect in the end. I'm learning to trust God like that. I'm not always good at it ....but I'm trying.
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I know this post has been all over the place, but I've said what I needed to say. It makes me feel better just to get it all out. Thanks for being here to listen. I wish I could give every one of you that have wrote emails or comments during this hard time a huge hug. Why can't we all sit down and have a cup of coffee? Wouldn't that be nice? Thanks for sticking with me friends, I love you all. I will be praying for your family tonight too. xoxo, Samantha
Comments
I dont know why God allows the dark times to be part of our lives, but when the Master Plan is revealed, the beauty is so obvious you wonder how you could have ever doubted whilst you were going through the dark.
Each day will feel a little like a roller coaster. Allow yourself to feel it.... time will come when it doesnt hurt as badly. For now, be gentle with yourself.
And for what its worth, I really applaud your being so open and honest about this part of your journey. When Ive lost babies I just shut down and shut up. You are obviously helping a lot of people with your openess.
{{{Hugs}}}
I pray that God will find a way to give you the little one that you are waiting for.
On a sewing note, my daughter wore one of your dresses that I just made to church this morning. And got soooooo many compliments. Thank you for creating it.
Love you
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and hoping you are starting to feel a little better (sounds like you are). I have been through this once myself...it is so hard. Everyone is different ..give yourself time to grieve and heal.
Sending you a big hug ...
annie
Nicole
Lovely dress. I know that working with your hands helps to deal with the pain you must feel.
I have had two miscarriages one in between each of my children. They were both in the early stages of pregnancy and for that I am thankful. I also had a D&C after the first miscarriage. It took an entire year to conceive again. But I did and had more children.
I sometimes wonder about the two that didn't make it, what would they have looked like boy or girl. Yet I also do believe that they were not meant to be and it is OK. But most of the time I don't think about them at all because the living and the doing keeps me too busy to wonder.
The pain recedes and time does heal.
Sending you good wishes and a heartfelt hug... Marianna