I went to the hospital Monday morning prepared for anything, but my heart was strong and ready to tell them our decision. They took me back for the ultrasound and I had no idea what we would find. Would there be that little flicker of a heartbeat....or would it be as before? As soon as I saw that perfect little angel on the screen I knew he/she was gone, there was no more questions in my mind. I didn't cry.... it felt very peaceful. I just lay there and enjoyed seeing my baby one last time. I was amazed by the tiny little arms and legs. She said "It's a perfect little baby, I can see nothing wrong outwardly, but it's little heart must have just quit beating. It could have been that the implantation was not right." It felt so good to hear that,"perfect little baby". I asked for a picture and she gave me one just before I left.
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We had 3o minutes before I had to sign in for surgery or tell them that I had backed out. Ben and I talked and cried but God had given us both a peace about the fact that it was truly over. Looking back I feel like maybe the reason I felt I couldn't go through with the surgery was because Friday, when I found out about all of this, I was alone; Ben and I make all of our decisions together and I couldn't make a decision like that without him seeing what I saw. After we talked for a while we both agreed that we were at peace with the fact that it was over, that's all I needed....peace. The same strong feeling that I had an hour before was now pulling me in the other direction, that mama sense always knows what's right.
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I signed in for surgery and I cried. The last moments are hard for me.....just knowing you will only have your baby with you a little while longer is so very hard. My sweet doctor came in, held my hand and prayed for Ben, me, and our children. Then it happened.... I woke in recovery and felt my belly to see if the baby was really gone and he/she was. A while later I got dressed in my maternity clothes that I wore there but I no longer needed them.
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I came home and slept until dark, got up and ate a little, then slept until now. I'm hurting, exhausted, groggy, and I miss my baby terribly; but I'm at peace and I have no regrets about our decision... and that's all I wanted. This is the first time in 7 1/2 years that I have not been pregnant or nursing a baby. I don't like it. I miss my baby.
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When I woke yesterday to eat I checked my email, there were over 40 emails and comments from mamas all over the world letting me know they loved me and they were sending prayers and hugs. It makes me feel like I'm not fighting all alone. Thank you and I love you too.
Comments
"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God'?
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creater of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
- Isaiah 40:27-31 -
Regina
God is doing something, something extraordinary.
"Listen to me…
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he,
I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 46:3,4 NIV
I'm glad you have peace. I pray this week is calm and peaceful and that you begin to find joy in the midst of the mourning.
"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Mercies and the God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our tribulation that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
I will be praying for you and your beautiful family
I'm so sorry that you are in this place, my heart aches so heavily. Lots of love and prayers for you and your family.
I am so sorry to read your very sad news! I know you are helping others by sharing your story. I am thinking of you....
Annie
Dana
You've definitely been on my heart since last week. I'm glad the wait gave you the answers and peace you needed.
Just thinking about you. I'm glad that you were able to cope so well with today. Again I'm sorry about your baby. It's very sad.
I hope that someday when the time is right for you that God gifts you with another baby. You are such a great mom.
Debbie R.
I pray that you too will be able to have sweet relief when you need it in your grieving.
Sarah
www.savingbananas.blogspot.com
My thoughts and prayers and with you. From my own experience, it is truly a loss that needs to be mourned in its own way. Look how that tiny life has touched so many people and made the world a bit better for having been.
I am so sorry and wish you bountiful peace.
The second we decided to try and conceive again I started taking aspirin in low doses & iron. took it until 37 weeks, and had 2 babies back to back. no miscarriages in between. First time that had ever happened.
Something you may want to try. Don't give up, my friend.