That's kinda what this post is about...the closing of doors and then the opening of windows...
As you all know we had another "door" slammed shut (that's how it felt......like I was sitting there peaceful reading a book in the quiet and then I was startled by a slamming door) in November. I have to admit, I have not been as open this time as I have been in the past, not with anyone, even myself. It feels like my heart has been scarred and now it's harder to get things "in" or "out" than ever. I hope this doesn't disappoint anyone, but I haven't wanted to talk about it at all, I have distanced myself from that pain that seems to come over and over because I'm tired of feeling it all the time. My survival tactics have changed from "say what you feel and get it all out" to "just try not to think about it and maybe it will all go away". I don't really know if it's wrong or right, it's just the way that I'm able to cope, but I have felt guilty about it.....because I know that my family and friends have wondered what in the world is going on, and I know that other hurting mama's have been comforted by my openness in the past. On top of it all we were at a dead end with our adoption, we didn't have enough money to go to the next level and it didn't look like there was any way to make the money either...I was just so discouraged at every turn. I started questioning God... "Why do you even give me children just to take them away? And why would you lay these future children on our hearts if we have no money to get them home?".....
The window starts to open:
While I was still in the miscarriage fog God sent Georgeann to help. Georgeann, is a friend of Ben's who works for the same city where he is a firefighter, and she wanted to help us by raising money. I have only met her once in passing at our last show, but I was so touched by her generosity. She hand painted picture frames and sold them at a holiday craft show to help us! With the money she raised we were able to get to the next step in our homestudy.
Then there was another dead end, we thought of how we could cut corners here at home (that's when the laundry soap discovery was made), how Ben could work extra when there was extra work (there's not much of that these days), we thought and thought, but nothing. In fact it seemed like we weren't getting ahead at all!
On the Sunday after Christmas our pastor asked one of our Elders, David, to come forward and take prayer requests. We were going to pray, as a church, for everyone mentioned. David stood at the front and took requests from person after person, even the sweet children....I thought about asking for God to provide the money we needed for the adoption, but then I shrank from it, thinking about how I may get emotional just saying those words and how open I would be there with everyone looking....and Ben was working so I didn't have the security of him being at my side....so I just sat there and listened. Just then, when I thought my time was up, I heard myself blurt out with a shaky voice "We need money. Money is the only thing keeping us from bringing our children home from Bulgaria, and we need God to send the money." I couldn't believe I said it. Luckily I was sitting on the front row so no one but David and my dad (who was standing next to him) could see all of the tears welled up in my eyes and streaming down my red face. I hate to cry in front of people, it's been years since anyone but my husband and children have seen me cry.
That night I was getting the fire going from being gone all day when the phone rang, it was my mom. She said "Sam, I've been wracking my brain all day to think of how we can come up with some money, and I just found it! I don't know what made me think of it, but I've just remembered that a few years back I opened an account for each of the kids and every month they take a little money out of my check for them. I forgot it was even there and I'm not sure how much money is, but it should be a good bit by now. The accounts were for the kids to spend on anything they wanted so if they want to spend it on the adoption they can! Talk to the kids and if that's what they want to do I'll go and get the money tomorrow!"
I called Ben to ask how much money we needed to get into next step (with the main adoption agency that works with Bulgaria) and he told me that we needed an application fee that we had the money for and then $2700 after we are approved. Then I told him about mom and he explained how relieved he was to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Next I talked to the kids. I said "Molly, I have some good news, Nana found some money that she had put away for you and Tim and Maddie. It's a good bit of money that could get us closer to getting our brothers and sisters home (that's what we call our kids at home)..." Before I could even finish the sentence Molly jumped up and said "Mom we need that money!".....I explained "Molly, this money is really yours, and yours Tim and Maddie. Are you sure that this is what you want to do with your money?" They all jumped up and down and shouted "Yes! Yes! Yes! We want our brothers and sisters home!"
The next morning Mom and Dad knocked on the door and came in while I was cooking breakfast, moments later each of the children brought me a bundle of money from their own account equalling $2700. The window is open and the most refreshing breeze is blowing in...
He shut the door and then He opened the window, He didn't forsake me. And now, even though I have not been open about the pain, I can share the testimony. I know we have a long way to go, and thousands more dollars to raise, but I know He will light the path one little step at a time. I hope this testimony can encourage someone today.
xoxo,
Samantha
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